prone to wander

people

2009-12-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

I am so amazed at how God uses people in my life to show me His love and encourage me EVERY day. There have been times this week that I was anxious or not feeling well or just grumpy. And, each time God answers my prayers for a better attitude through people. I kind of struggled with this at first because my thinking was "God, when I am down I need to remember that only YOU can satisfy me, only you can be my source of joy." I didn't want to depend too much on the people in my life to lift me up when my attention should be on God. So, I just prayed and prayed for a change in perspective that I would have peace and get back my positive thinking. But, God chooses to work through PEOPLE.

So, he has put people like my amazing boyfriend, my Mom, and friends like Lizzy and TWO Leahs in my life to remind me of what God has done for me and turn me back to Him in worship. They are all such good listeners and support and encourage me so much. Not only when I am complainy, but I can join together with them in worship when we talk or hang out too. Each one of them has a different role to play in my life and minister to my heart in drastically different ways. Some friends used to be closer and are now farther away, whether by distance or by intimacy. Some I am just getting to know. And, some people have know me my whole life.

What I think is amazing is how God knows exactly which people to bring into your life at what time...AND how long to keep them in your life. He knows what role they will play, how they will challenge you, how they will hurt you or help you, and how you will be changed for knowing them.

Sometimes I don't give God credit for using my friends and family to show me His love. I tend to think His love for me should be shown in more elaborate ways...but He chooses to use simple methods most of the time. A phone call from a friend just to say "Hi". My Mom telling me she's proud of me for the millionth time. A prayer over the phone, or someone sharing their devotions with me. He is speaking to me in so many ways and He says "I love you, my dear! I hear your prayers and I want the best for you!" I can hardly believe it sometimes.

"[I] do not cease giving thanks for you, while making mention of you in my prayers" Eph 1:16

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up." Ecc 4:9-10

"Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing." 1 Thess 5:11

overwhelming love

2009-12-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

"...Truly, Truly I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, He will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."
John 16:23-27

Why do I keep thinking that I need to earn God's blessings, when His Word clearly says that all I need to do is ask. My Heavenly Father wants to answer the desires of my heart; for my friends and family to know Him, for my future, for the struggles I have with sin. My view of God is so small. I tend to pray "If you can" like the father of the demon possessed boy in the Gospels. Jesus rebuked that man and exclaimed, "If you can? All things are possible to him who believes." (Mark 9:23)

I think one reason I don't have faith when I pray is that I have believed the lies of Satan about myself for so long. He whispers in my ear "You'll never be good enough" and "How can God use you if you do/think/feel that" or "You are so low on God's list of priorities, you are not important to him so don't even bother." But I am so thankful for a God who relentlessly pursues me and combats my wrong thinking and shows me the truth through my friends and especially through his Word. He says:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9)

"Look at the birds of the air...are you not worth much more than they?...Observe how the lilies of the field grow...yet I say to you not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!" (Matthew 6:27-30)

"O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all."
(Psalm 139:1-4)

How can I believe that God doesn't care about me or want to answer my prayers! His Word is full of His love for me, and His GRACE. I don't deserve anything from Him. He already gave me so much in dying on the cross to cover my sins, saving me from eternal separation from Himself! AND HE WANTS TO GIVE ME MORE!!!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have LIFE, and have it ABUNDANTLY" (John 10:10, emphasis mine)

I have just been overwhelmed lately with how much God loves me. Looking back on my life and seeing how God was really there when I thought he was so far away. He was working in my heart and life when I thought I was all alone. He was had good plans for my future and knew exactly how he would use every heart breaking moment in my life for His glory. I can't help but praise Him for His power and love and how He has already answered so many prayers.

I want to pray more fervently. I want to be vulnerable with God and let Him know the desires of my heart, even when there is risk that His answer will be no. I have learned by now that when He denies me something He always has my best interest in mind. He is always good and would never bring pain into my life needlessly. I want God's best for my life...its better that I don't get my way sometimes.

"Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:9-11)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

God is not spiteful?

2009-05-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

Isn't it laughable how we think of God as so small and so similar to our friends and family. I am sure that I am not the only one who has thought this, because I have talked about it with others many times. Especially those God calls to be missionaries! Its the misconception that as soon as we tell God "anything but that" He immediately decides "that" is exactly what He wants us to do! Or, that if we ask God "it would be SO amazing if I could have this thing/person in my life" He automatically thinks...good I was looking for a way to teach you sacrifice! I know you understand what I am talking about and are, perhaps, having a good laugh at this moment.

But, seriously, how foolish are we to think that God would purposely, without reason, give us exactly the opposite of what ask. I do agree that sometimes God does stretch our faith and ask us to give up things for Him...He does know what's best for us after all. What I am talking about is how we have a wrong view of God's character and motivation for either testing or blessing us.

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?

Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

Luke 11:11-13

I have been thinking about this lately as I pray. Out of fear, not trust, I pray "if it is your will". I haven't been coming to Him to boldly request the desires of my heart. Partly it is that I don't see Him correctly...as a loving Father with a huge desire and capacity to bless His children with good things. But, the other part is that I am afraid of being vulnerable with God. I am afraid to ask Him for things I want, even things I know will glorify Him, because I am afraid of disappointment. Well, I guess this is also a problem of not seeing God as He is...

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"

Ephesians 3:20

"Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

"O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! O fear the LORD, you His saints; For to those who fear Him there is no want."

Psalm 34:8-9

There is so much evidence of God's abundant blessings. I don't mean to say that as long as you are following God there will be no trouble or pain...on the contrary. He promises that those who follow Him will face persecution and suffering.

I am just sharing that I have come to this change of mind about who God is and how he deals with me. He is not human that he would play with my emotions or tease me by withholding good things from me. I can trust that He will answer my prayers and that He always has the best planned for my life. I don't have to worry that God's plan will be less than perfect or that I will be miserable doing His will. Whatever God wants me to do, wherever He leads me, whatever He blesses me with can ONLY be good, because He is good.

He is a perfect, loving father that delights in seeing His children full of joy at His gifts! He is so generous, with both His grace and answered prayer. We don't deserve a bit of it...which makes it that much sweeter! I am so grateful for the freedom to lay my heart before the Lord knowing that He hears me and wants to lavish His love on me. Please don't think that I am endorsing some kind of prosperity Gospel. I am just praising Him for His provision and love!

"My Testimony"

by Elizabeth Stam

And shall I fear

That there is anything that men hold dear

Thou would'st deprive me of,

And nothing give in place?

That is not so--

For I can see Thy face

And hear Thee now:

"My child, I died for thee.

And if the gift of love and life

You took from Me,

Shall I one precious thing withhold--

One beautiful and bright,

One pure and precious thing withhold?

My child, it cannot be."

new concept

2009-05-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you've heard the expression "take it one day at a time". I'm not really into cliches, but this is a pretty good one. You know how you hear something over and over and think you understand it and then one day it really clicks. Well, the whole "one day at a time" thing recently clicked with me. I have had this false notion that in order to please God I needed to determine to just NOT SIN. That I needed to get on the straight and narrow and never look back and when I failed I just had to get back on the wagon again and again. It took me a long time to figure out that didn't work...a lot of tears, and frustration, and bruised knees, and, yes, an emotional breakdown or two. Here's a novel idea...why don't I just pray that God would give me the strength to fight temptation for ONE DAY. I can do anything for one day! Well, most things. The things I'm talking about are the ones that I can do even for 1 day without supernatural, Holy Spirit help.

So, I prayed 3 days ago, on Friday, that God would help me do 3 things for that whole day. I have to give the credit to Leah for motivating me to fight for holiness in the first place. She has been battling a bad habit lately...and I seriously mean physically fighting to keep walking in holiness. Her strength inspired me to FIGHT to overcome these sins. I will share a couple with you...

The first is my critical attitude. Coincidentally, Leah also brought this one to the surface for me (iron sharpens iron:). I have been pretty negative, complainy, and judgmental lately...especially toward her, but also in general just about stupid things that don't matter. I let personal pet peeves cloud my vision, test my patience, and put me in a bad for no good reason. So, I promised God that I would not say anything negative to or about anyone for 1 day. I don't make promises to God lightly, so I figured I could handle it for one day.

The second was my physical health in general. You know the whole "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit" thing. I have failed miserably at this principle my whole life. Now, especially since I have Diabetes, I have been struggling to stay healthy, eat the right foods, find time to exercise, etc. So, I also promised God that I would make good choices in this area for 1 day.

The great thing is that it lifted so much pressure off my shoulders to "perform" well. I surrendered these things to God, layed them at the foot of the cross so to speak. For that one day I was dependent on God's strength whenever I wanted to veer off course. I kept in my head that it was just for that day. I could make it. It helped me to focus on God more for those specific things too. Thankfully the first day I wasn't faced with too much temptation. The second day was a little harder, but I made it. The third day, today, I faced a more direct temptation, but I just renewed my promise as a prayer in my mind..."God I promised I wouldn't do that today, and I won't".

AMAZING. God is strengthening me and growing me and changing me. I feel so much more connected to God throughout the day too. I feel like we are both on the same side fighting the same enemy. It seems all it took was that I needed to decide to FIGHT, instead of hoping and wishing my temptations would leave me alone. And, a battle plan than helped me take things down to smaller steps and manageable expectations. I kind of feel dumb for not thinking this way before. So, tomorrow I will have another conversation with God about the same thing, asking for His strength and the Holy Spirit's help to fight that day...and the next.

I have never felt this close to God...I don't mean that in a superspiritual sense. I just mean like a real relationship. Like He is truly a friend in whom I can confide, find encouragement, advice, love, everything else a tangible friend gives, but in a infinitely generous and strong person. There is NONE like my God.

New Lessons

2009-04-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

Ok...one thing that has knocked my socks of lately was my trip to the Creation Museum. I went with some friends from work and some friends from college. The museum was really great and I learned some nerdy Christian stuff. But, more than that it showed me how small I am compared to Him. The AWESOMENESS of His creation, the VASTNESS of the universe, the intricacies of everything he created is mind numbing. The intelligence it takes to orchestrate all of history to the point that we are right now is amazing...yet God exists outside of time. He is the one that "hangs the earth on nothing" and "stretches the heavens out like a curtain"!

My favorite part of the whole day was the planetarium. It was a presentation on the scale of everything in the universe. The whole thing screamed the glory of God. We went on Good Friday too, so I was thinking about the cross a lot that day. It was hard to look at everything that showed us God's majesty and greatness and also think that same God came to earth, suffered and willingly died so that I could share in His glory with Him forever! It was such a humbling and incredible experience. Its strange that a museum could produce that result. But, it really wasn't all the facts and sciencey stuff as much as the realization that although God is perfect, powerful, and holy...he loves me and wants to know me intimately. It shouldn't be possible, that God would reach down to me like that.

Also, I didn't think I was too prideful until I recently read "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. "How can I be so proud to think that I deserve ANYTHING, or that I even own anything. ALL that I have has been given to my by your grace, entrusted to me by You. I waste away time and money all the time, because I have this ridiculous idea that it is mine to spend however I want. Or, that my body is mine to abuse however I feel like (with laziness, unhealthy eating, etc). It is ALL yours Lord. You paid the price for my body. You created everything around me. You own all of it." I wrote in my journal. I have come to the realization that I have absolutely know rights to my life. I have been proud because I think that I understand the world and that I have figured out how to live for God and live for myself at the same time. That I can "have my cake and eat it too".

It doesn't work that way. I am either the master of my own life...leading to worldliness, empty pleasures, and a wasted life. Or, I give EVERYTHING I have to the One who created me, who knows exactly who I am and what I need. I have to give Him not just the steering wheel, but the whole car, the junk in the backseat, everything. I have to close my eyes and stop giving directions and stop grabbing at the steering wheel when I think we went the wrong way. I need to surrender ALL.

I also have to give up the idea that I need to make this huge one time commitment that will last a lifetime. There is a reason Paul said we need to take up our cross "daily". I HAVE to do that. Life is so empty and meaningless when I am far from God. I realize now that its because I was made to worship Him...I can only be whole in His will and under the shower of His love.

I sound so cheesy, I know. In my heart this all makes sense. Sometimes this lessons can't be passed on through words. God just has to work in your heart and rip things out and stir things up for a long time until you just GET it. And, I still think I am so far from understanding God. Even this tiny glimpse of His greatness and His love for me break my heart and make me want to worship and serve Him every second. I think it would kill me to really see the glory of God. So, this is more just praising Him than trying to share truth. But, I hope you can worship along with me.

my vacation

2009-03-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

I had a really, really great Spring Break. It was really nice to hang out with my family and especially see my niece. She is SO adorable. I really enjoying spending time with my sister too. We got the chance to talk and spend lots of time together...which we haven't really been able to do since I went to college. I kind of felt like I didn't know her anymore, but I'm glad that our family is getting closer again, now that most of us are grown up (at least when it comes to age:).

As you can probably tell from the picture, Lilly has Down Syndrome. Allina and I got to talk about that a lot too. I learned a lot from her about it and got to see her do all the little physical therapy exercises with Lilly too. Allina is a really good Mommy. Allina talked a lot about how it makes her mad when people assume things about Lilly because of her disability. Like that she will have a poor quality of life or that she won't be able to do things other people can. It just shows that people are afraid of what they don't understand (or don't try to understand). Actually, I believe that Lilly will experience a better quality of life than most "normal" people, because she won't go through life with an expectation that life should be a certain way. You can already tell she is a people person and that she will be very loving. She responds so much more to people than to toys or other things. She just looks at you intently and makes faces and everything. She is a perfect baby...she hardly ever cries or fusses and she sleeps all through the night. I hope Allina doesn't get spoiled with Lilly...I bet her next kids will be much more difficult:)

In case you were wondering, the tube on Lilly's face is a feeding tube. Because she has the hole in her heart she can't breathe very well, so she can't drink from a bottle. So, she has to have a feeding tube. She also has to eat special, high calorie formula so she can gain weight before her heart surgery. They want to wait as long as possible to do the surgery because babies recover better the older they are. The feeding tube is actually kind of nice because you don't have to hold a bottle the whole time, you just hook up the tube and turn on the machine. She's seriously the easiest baby ever...although not the least stressful because she does have health problems and physical therapy and all that.

I also got to see Nathan at the house he's staying at. My Mom cooked dinner and we all went over to visit him. I got to see him with his new girlfriend Mandy, which was great, but kind of weird since I knew her before and they are a completely unexpected couple. I just would have never pictured them together before Nathan started going to church. He is so different now...well in some ways. He's still definitely a guy and he has a way to go until he's really mature.

Gavin is in Gymnastics now. Although the rest of my siblings think its gay, I went with him to watch and it isn't that bad. They don't make the boys wear leotards or anything and it was about half and half boys and girls. They really wear those kids out too. They make them run around for a long time and take turns doing forward rolls and other things. The boys got to practice/learn the parallel bars. The are basically just learning to hold themselves up with their arms...its pretty tough actually.

My parents are doing good and Evan is the same. Nothing too exciting for them. I also got to see my grandparents for a little while which was good because I haven't seen them in a while. Unfortunately I didn't get to go to church at all because my flights were both on Sundays:( Hopefully this summer I will get to see everyone and catch up.

Sorry I don't have anything interesting or insightful. I thought I would just catch you all up on the everyday part of my life too. We'll see if I have anything else to share this week too.

Whirlwind of Twittering, Blogging, Crafting, etc!

2009-03-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Wow...I have never been much for online networking...but, I dove in head first this week. I have signed up for several accounts that will help my Etsy shop get more visits (and hopefully more sales). One of my items was featured in a blog this weekend at "The Simple Life of the Stars".

It looks like the author may even feature me in a separate blog and maybe do an interview!! How crazy is that?! I haven't even started raising money yet...I don't even know where to tell people to send it. So many of my friends have generously asked to be sent a letter so they can support me when more of the details are worked out. Its just amazing how all of this is going. I can't wait to get more things done.

Also, I decided to fast from spending for Lent...until Easter! Of course I gave myself some guidelines so I wouldn't starve or stink (if I run out of shampoo). But, it looks like I will be able to put a HUGE chunk of money in the old savings account for the Czech. It would be AMAZING if I could be totally debt free before I go. Then I could stay forever and ever and not have to worry about student loans. I've basically sold all of my Mary Kay products on eBay, most of my books on Amazon, and I am taking a big stack of old clothes to Plato's Closet to sell. It's kind of nice to get rid of all the stuff I don't need too. Although it was rather painful to say goodbye to ALL of my Sims 2 games:( I'm sure it was shocking for some of you to read that last one...thinking to yourselves "Wow, she is really serious about this Czech thing." I know, right!

Unfortunately, I feel kind of like I'm not doing much to get things started with the planning. I talked to Radek a week ago...a couple weeks ago? about technical detail stuff...visas, budgets, who I would be "affiliated" with so people could send in money, etc. We are all doing this for the first time so it is a little scary. Ok, a lot scary...I really don't want to mess things up, worried about how the economy will affect fundraising, REALLY scared about actually teaching, to name a few. So, I just pray a lot. But, other than that I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing, or if I should be doing something. So, I'm just trying to be smart with my money, learn as much Czech as possible, and brainstorm as many fundraising ideas as possible.

Oh, I also have a doctor's appt in a couple weeks to make sure I don't have some unknown terminal illness that will prevent me from moving to the Czech. I'm a little worried that I might have diabetes or some other nasty thing that runs in our family. I haven't been to the doctor for YEARS, so who knows. I figured I'd better start using my amazing health benefits, because I won't have them forever:)

Something else I started is a Twitter account. Its an online networking account like facebook, but ALL you do is update your status. You "follow" people and see what they are doing. Most people leave interesting links to different sites. I have found several blogs and things. I'm even following Dave Ramsey and Adie Camp (one of my favorite Christian Artists). Its so addictive and sucks my time away though. I have decided to only check it like once a day.

I also joined the INCrowdteam at Etsy. Its just a local "club" of Indiana crafters that have website and forums and share info about selling crafts. I'm learning a lot from it. I really want to learn how to make handbound books. I found some tutorials online, and one lady on Twitter gave me a link to a company that has workshops. I think I am going to look into some local places to see if there are any classes/workshops around here though. I think this kind of knowledge could be useful to have just for life in general. The INCrowd got me thinking about taking my crafts to craft/art shows and festivals. I've been to one highschool craft fair where lots of people had booths where they sold handmade items. It would be so fun to do that. That might be too "big" for me though...I'm not trying to make a huge business out of this. Just make a little extra money while enjoying my new hobby.

Overall, its been an interesting week. I am looking forward to Spring break though...when I can see my family and my home church and just relax for a while. Its going to be interesting since I am on a spending fast though. I won't be able to go out to eat or to the movies or anything:( I'll have to be creative.

Thanks for reading my rambling list of goings on! I appreciate your prayers, especially for my trip to the Czech and that I would stay focused and keep strengthening my walk. It is hard to do when I am surrounded by the world. Also, please pray for my sister and Lillian. They are not doing so good...Allina with finances, and Lily's health. Pray that God's will would be done in all of this.

just a calling

2009-02-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

I am planning to move to the Czech next year to teach English and help Laura and Radek with Garaz 572!!! I have been reluctant to say it because I hadn't made a decision and I was worried about it. It still isn't official as I haven't even begun to raise support, gotten a job, a place to live, or a visa...there are so many things to take care of. Radek is looking into a lot of the answers for me because he knows people that have done the things that we will need to do (gotten a visa or made a budget for raising support). We are all in new territory. There is this churning mixture of excitment and anxiety! I don't know how everything is going to come together, especially with our economy like it is, and this suddenly becoming such a real possibility. The hardest part is that most of it isn't in my control...which is good because I don't know what I'm doing, but scary because my future is in other people's hands...God's, Radek and Laura's, and anyone who supports me.

This is a lesson of faith. I have to trust that God will work out HIS plan for me. But, I am surely doing as much as I can to work toward this goal...learning Czech vocab words, brainstorming fund raising ideas (get ready its going to be crazy!), and praying every day that God would prepare me and that I would learn to completely depend on Him. I am also going to take an online class soon to get certified to teach English as a Foreign Language...its not needed to work in the Czech, but it will make me feel more confident/comfortable with teaching.

Thats the part that is the most scary. The reality of teaching English to people without being able to talk to them in their 1st language! Or just teaching anyone! Or being in ministry full-time...like a real job! Its scary because its real.

This job was scary at first too. It was lonely and hard and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. But, I got through the first semester, learned a lot, made some friends, and grew closer to God. I think of this job as a testing ground for me to see if I can make it over there. I am trying as much as I can to view each day with my students as a ministry...and with my co-workers for that matter. Everyone around me needs encouragement or prayer or just kindness...including me. I have to remember that even my attitude is a testimony of Jesus Christ to others. I want to do everything as if I were doing it for God.

The thing is I know that the Czech is going to be a hundred times as difficult, and lonely, and tiring, AND rewarding as this job. I made the commitment not to choose what is easier anymore...but what I know is right and pleasing to God. So, I will not let that stand in my way. But, I do ask that you pray that God would give me strength and wisdom. Pray that He would guide us through this year of planning and fund raising. Pray that He would work in my heart and prepare me for ministry. Pray for Laura and Radek...their family and their ministry and the kids that come. I will keep you posted on whats going on with everything, but right now even I don't have a lot of info. Just a calling.

no excuses

2009-02-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

I have found a new hobby and I am really enjoying it. I have been wanting spend my time more constructively and be a good "steward" of it...to insert a little Christianese. So, I started making paper crafts to sell at etsy.com. I was inspired by my friend Lizzy who has a store there too. My goal was just to do it for a fun activity and maybe earn a little extra cash on the side. But, there were many other benefits that I didn't expect. It has distracted me from the TV. Instead of spending my free time sitting around doing nothing I know have a constructive outlet. Since I am not in front of the TV I haven't been snacking as much because I haven't been bored. Leading to an unexpected and very welcome weight loss this week! The biggest benefit is that it is just FUN!

Some other good things that happened this week...

The Winter Dance that I and a coworker planned went really well. I attribute this to nothing but answered prayer. I tried really hard on my end and so did Josh. We put a lot of effort into it and I'm sure it would have been ok if I hadn't prayed. But, it went so freakishly smooth that it had to have been God. I wasn't stressed or rushed at all that weekend. I really believe it was because I asked God specifically for that. That everything would go smooth and that we wouldn't be stressed. Afterwards I thanked God for answering that prayer and was just really happy that He cared so much about something that was important to me, but I wouldn't consider spiritually significant. It is amazing that God even blesses me in these small ways.

The other amazing thing is that I found a round trip airline ticket to Maine for only $162!! I was worried that my flight would cost over 200 as it usually does and I didn't really want to spend that much...it being right after Christmas and everything. Another answered prayer. I usually feel silly asking God for these things...but He always comes through. I mean, I'm not going to pray that I win a million dollars in the lottery or anything. I don't believe in the prosperity gospel. It just gives me warm fuzzies because I know how much God cares about my life, especially because I don't deserve any of the blessings He gives me.

I sometimes wonder why my life is so good. I'm not rich, or famous, or super gorgeous, but I have a way better life than I deserve. God has spared me from many wrong decisions in my lifetime. I don't have any health problems, financial problems, relationship problems. Sometimes I kind of cringe and wait to be slammed with all three at once. But, God is merciful. I think a lot of people are in this life situation though. Just, most people don't pay attention to how good they have it, they just find the smallest insignificant things to complain about.

I watched 30 Days last night for a program. It was the episode where a former pro football player lives in a wheelchair for 30 days. He learns about para/quadrapeligics and what life is like for them. It really made me realize that I have no excuse not to go out and do something big for God. I can WALK! I have absolutely no limitations to what I can accomplish for God's glory. But, stupid things like pride and laziness are the thin little excuses that hold me back from making a difference in this world. Its so ridiculous. People that have disabilities or other limitations usually give back to their communities more than people like me...that have comfortable, unchallenging lives. Why is that?

So, I challenge you. Make a change in your daily routine. Even if its finding a new hobby. Or even volunteering or encouraging someone. Just find some way to make your life impact another person. Show them Christ's love. I am finding that there is more peace than I thought possible in choosing righteousness over my selfishness. I don't need as much money as I thought. I don't need to sleep as much as I thought. I don't need to fix myself first before I help someone else. I just need to get off my couch and trust that God will use me...in whatever way HE chooses.

first love

2009-01-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

When I am seeking God it seems like He gives me a theme out of the variety of methods I use to draw closer to Him. Like when a song I listen to helps me understand a part of Scripture I read, or when a quote in a book gives me deeper insight into how to deal with something I was praying about. Do you know what I mean? God is so amazing because our relationship is custom tailored to how I understand Him, what experiences He has brought me through, my worldview...He knows me SO intimately. He knows exactly how to deal with me, how to love me, how to chastise me, He guides me all the time through the things I read and hear and see. I am so grateful for such a personal God that has come down to earth and understands my humanness, my temptations, and the deep secrets of my heart that even I don't comprehend. Its amazing.

On that note. I have been reading and praying and trying to work on the things I wrote about before...overcoming my complacency and apathy and laziness. My goal is to have purpose in every day of my life, that I would make the most of the time and resources that I have for the glory of God. In seeking God with these things in mind I have just been learning so much about God's glory, dieing to self, how God's ways are higher than mine, and comparing my passion for God to that of a romantic relationship.

So, I started thinking differently about God's glory as I read about it in my Bible study book "Becoming a Woman of Purpose" by Cynthia Heald. The first chapter is about the fact that God's purpose in creating us was for His glory, that we would be reflections of the Glory of God. Obviously this really spoke to me as I am trying to find more purpose in my life. It just struck me differently this time...my purpose is to REFLECT the glory of God? Several times the author brings up the Biblical concept that EVERYTHING we do should be in order to glorify God.

Ok, so this tied together with several passages that I have been reading in my quiet times. Thursdays passage was Psalm 73:23-26

"Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

It was about being distracted from the only one who can satisfy, the one who created me for His glory. So, I was developing this thought that since I am created with the purpose of glorifying God, if I don't do that I can't be satisfied with my life. I can only be satisfied when I seek God with my whole heart.

Today's was, of all things, about dieing to self and realizing that there is pain in serving God. It hurts to overcome temptation. It isn't enjoyable to say no to the things we want in order to do what we know is right. It is easier to give in and be selfish and dive into worldly pleasures head first. But, choosing what is difficult, allowing ourselves to be broken so that God and mold us into useful vessels for His glory is where we find real life, true satisfaction, where we are made whole, where we find our purpose. Thats where I want to be.

"...If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself at take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life?..." Matthew 16:24-26

So, I am just digesting these truths...my purpose is to glorify God, only He can satisfy me, and I must be willing to be broken in order to be made whole. I am slowly surrendering and realizing that God wants ALL of me. I want to give in and let go, but my flesh fights for its life. I pray that God will keep showing me and illuminating these tidbits of truth so that I can keep growing closer to Him.

real change

2009-01-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

Lessons I have learned from God (some more than once)...

1. I'm not alone, even if I feel like I am. He is always there. He always understands. He always wants me back. I belong somewhere...in Him.
2. He erased the stains of my past. Yesterday is completely washed away. Every morning is truly new. I should never be afraid to approach the throne of God.
3. He rescued me from my own plans and gave me a better path. He steered the course of my life to places I would never have chosen and some I fought along the way, but I am so grateful to have ended up here.
4. He gave me eyes to see the good in situations that seem hopeless or useless. He helped me understand that pain is useful, although it still hurts.
5. He taught me that to love someone means you always do whats in their best interest, even if it costs you your life...or worse, their favor.
6. He gave me strength to travel and volunteer for things I could never have done on my own. He taught me to trust Him even when I don't understand, or when I just want my own way.
7. People that act like sinners ARE sinners. God has covered over the disgusting, horrible sins that I have committed, I can afford to pass on a little grace. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.
8. Living for myself is lonely and boring. Living for God is exciting, fulfilling, and so full of joy!
9. He always knows what He's doing.
10. The "right" way is ALWAYS the best way.
11. Its better to live by your convictions, rather than your feelings.
12. I can't change myself, no matter how hard I try. I can't will myself to be sinless. I HAVE to be strengthened and nourished EVERYDAY in the Word and in prayer to function as a half decent human being. I am nothing without Christ.

If only some of these things would stick a little better life would be perfect:) I think my biggest problem in life is forgetfulness. I forget that God can forgive my sin so I think I need to overcome it before I confess and ask Him to help me. I forget that God answers prayer so I beat my family members over the head with my Bible so they get "saved saved". I forget that God is holy so I sin, because it really isn't that big of a deal. I forget that God is powerful, omnipotent, and sovereign, so I don't do anything at all with my life. I'm like a stinkin Israelite wandering in the desert, until I remember God.

When I remember Him things are great. Maybe someone needs to invent some spiritual Ginkgo Biloba so I can stay focused on the Truth that I know and not forget all these lessons God has taught me.

this is our time

2009-01-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

I can't wait another week to post because I've been messing around on itunes and found some amazing new music. I heard this song on the radio the other day and didn't catch the name of the artist or song...but I found it!

NEVER GOING BACK TO OK (by The Afters)

It’s not the end // But it feels like it is // I’m waking up //
Like I’m back from the dead // I’m stepping out // And I
feel so afraid // But as long as I’m moving it’s all right

I feel alive // And it hurts for a change // And looking
back and it’s hard to believe // That I was cool // With
the days that I wasted complacent and tasteless and
bored but // That was yesterday

We’re never going back to OK // We’re never going back
to easy // We’re never going back to the way it was //
We’re never going back to OK

This discontent // Like a slap in the face // Of mediocre
// I’ve had enough of this place // This party’s over //
And I’m moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills
but that was yesterday

We’re here to stay // This is our time // Our only life //
Our chance to live

This song explains exactly how I have been feeling about my life lately. So, you know that feeling of anxiety you get after graduating (high school or college, its the same), or when you are looking for a job and you're flat broke, or when you get a job and its your first day, or when someone asks you what you're going to do with your life? Well, I have experienced this anxiety before, several times, but lately I have been strangely content with my life. Usually, this would be a good thing...except this contentment has grown out of being apathetic and spiritually stagnant.

I have this little saying on the wall by my bed that asks "Am I willing to give up what is good enough for me and TRUST GOD for the best he has for me?" Honestly, I have been living a "good enough" life. I have everything I need and most things I want. But, it just isn't fulfilling or rewarding. I can seriously relate to Solomon's declaration that life is "meaningless, a chasing after the wind."

Thankfully God does have a "best plan" for me...I just have to get my head out of the sand, get my eyes back on Christ, and surrender to His will. "This is our time, our only life, our chance to live". So, I'm going to wake up from this spiritual sleep and LIVE. I have no excuses for not giving the control of my life to God...I have learned this lesson before. Life just works when I realize that God is sovereign and good. His ways are so much higher than mine and I just need to let go of whatever control I think I have.

"This is our time, our only life, our chance to live".

Jesus, I am so thankful that you know exactly how to lead me...when to speak to me in the thunder and when all I need is a whisper. I trust you to guide me in your will for whatever is next in my life. Help me to be content in you and discontent anywhere else. Get my attention when my line of sight is distracted...help me to keep my life focused on You, my thoughts focused on what is pure, righteous, and good, my attitude set on thankfulness and joy. I want to be attentive to the needs of others, compassionate and loving. Let others see a change in my demeanor. Open doors in this dark world, so that I can be a light for You. Give me strength and boldness to stand for you whenever I can. Help me not to waste my life anymore...I want to make the most of my time.

"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil" Ephesians 5:15-16

The Beginning

2009-01-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

In this first post I want to explain the title and my purpose for writing.

"Prone to wander" are lyrics from my the Hymn "Come Thou Fount" (I especially like Jadon Lavik's version) that punches me in the gut every time I hear it. Phrases like these knock the wind out of me because its as if the writer knew my heart and my struggle when he wrote it down so many years ago. As if he also felt in his daily life, in his personal walk with God, what being prone to wander feels like and sounds like and looks like.

But, the hymn writer also understands the rest of the song. Hope flows from his pen just as well as conviction. The rest of the song is filled with streams of mercy, fountains of blessing, and mountains of redeeming love! It beautifully depicts the desperate thankfulness of a lost and wandering sinner to his merciful savior. One who is so lowly and so undeserving who is rescued in an awesome act of compassion.

I am so aware of my sinfulness and how prone to wander I really am. But, I really love this song because it expresses my thankfulness for salvation in a striking way. One that not only touches my heart when I sing it and realize the truth in the words...it absolutely grips my heart. And I can just skim the surface of understanding the greatness of God's sacrifice for my life.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I'm come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it 
Prone to leave the God I love 
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above 

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above
O Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Being prone to wander away from God, away from the one who is trustworthy, secure, and sovereign, is what unites all of us. We are foolishly independent and selfish. We forget what God has done for us and think that we are ok on our own. We give up the best version of life that God offers and trade it in for the slums of comfort and leisure that lead to an unfulfilled, miserable, depressing, repetitive American dream of a life. We want what comes easily, what comes naturally. We let our lives be dictated by our feelings rather than our convictions and end up in spiritual poverty.

I don't want to live that life any more. I want to live what I know is true, even if the price is high. I don't want to settle for a comfortable, suburbian, Christianese life. I want my heart to be sealed for God's courts, to be used to change others lives for His glory. I don't even know how I went from wanting to be a missionary as a teenager to worrying about what kind of career I should pursue. What is keeping me from jumping on a plane to just GO and tell people how God has made a way for them to be FREE, to live an amazing, fulfilling, blessed life? What is keeping me from talking to my friends and coworkers about this amazing savior? Because I want to be normal? How ridiculuous does that sound when you think about it? Seriously?

I need to stop shuffling my feet, stop making excuses, and start living as if I know the living and true God that created the universe and holds everything around me in place. I need to stop asking God why He would choose me and just believe that He is "I AM" as He told Moses. I don't have an excuse that can change God's purpose for my life. This is the end of my wandering and the beginning of my journey toward God, with my eyes fixed on Jesus, seeking His will for my life daily. I can be prone to wander, but with God's strength I can stay on the path He has planned for me.