God is not spiteful?

Isn't it laughable how we think of God as so small and so similar to our friends and family.  I am sure that I am not the only one who has thought this, because I have talked about it with others many times.  Especially those God calls to be missionaries!  Its the misconception that as soon as we tell God "anything but that" He immediately decides "that" is exactly what He wants us to do!  Or, that if we ask God "it would be SO amazing if I could have this thing/person in my life" He automatically thinks...good I was looking for a way to teach you sacrifice!  I know you understand what I am talking about and are, perhaps, having a good laugh at this moment.

But, seriously, how foolish are we to think that God would purposely, without reason, give us exactly the opposite of what ask.  I do agree that sometimes God does stretch our faith and ask us to give up things for Him...He does know what's best for us after all.  What I am talking about is how we have a wrong view of God's character and motivation for either testing or blessing us.  

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?

Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" 

Luke 11:11-13

I have been thinking about this lately as I pray.  Out of fear, not trust, I pray "if it is your will".  I haven't been coming to Him to boldly request the desires of my heart.  Partly it is that I don't see Him correctly...as a loving Father with a huge desire and capacity to bless His children with good things.  But, the other part is that I am afraid of being vulnerable with God.  I am afraid to ask Him for things I want, even things I know will glorify Him, because I am afraid of disappointment.  Well, I guess this is also a problem of not seeing God as He is...

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" 

Ephesians 3:20

"Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

 "O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! O fear the LORD, you His saints; For to those who fear Him there is no want." 

Psalm 34:8-9

There is so much evidence of God's abundant blessings.  I don't mean to say that as long as you are following God there will be no trouble or pain...on the contrary.  He promises that those who follow Him will face persecution and suffering.

I am just sharing that I have come to this change of mind about who God is and how he deals with me.  He is not human that he would play with my emotions or tease me by withholding good things from me.  I can trust that He will answer my prayers and that He always has the best planned for my life.  I don't have to worry that God's plan will be less than perfect or that I will be miserable doing His will.  Whatever God wants me to do, wherever He leads me, whatever He blesses me with can ONLY be good, because He is good.

He is a perfect, loving father that delights in seeing His children full of joy at His gifts!  He is so generous, with both His grace and answered prayer.  We don't deserve a bit of it...which makes it that much sweeter!  I am so grateful for the freedom to lay my heart before the Lord knowing that He hears me and wants to lavish His love on me.  Please don't think that I am endorsing some kind of prosperity Gospel.  I am just praising Him for His provision and love!  

"My Testimony" 

by Elizabeth Stam

And shall I fear

That there is anything that men hold dear

Thou would'st deprive me of,

And nothing give in place?

That is not so--

For I can see Thy face

And hear Thee now:

"My child, I died for thee.

And if the gift of love and life

You took from Me,

Shall I one precious thing withhold--

One beautiful and bright,

One pure and precious thing withhold?

My child, it cannot be."

 

new concept

Ok, so you've heard the expression "take it one day at a time".  I'm not really into cliches, but this is a pretty good one.  You know how you hear something over and over and think you understand it and then one day it really clicks.  Well, the whole "one day at a time" thing recently clicked with me.  I have had this false notion that in order to please God I needed to determine to just NOT SIN.  That I needed to get on the straight and narrow and never look back and when I failed I just had to get back on the wagon again and again.  It took me a long time to figure out that didn't work...a lot of tears, and frustration, and bruised knees, and, yes, an emotional breakdown or two.  Here's a novel idea...why don't I just pray that God would give me the strength to fight temptation for ONE DAY.  I can do anything for one day!  Well, most things.  The things I'm talking about are the ones that I can do even for 1 day without supernatural, Holy Spirit help.  

So, I prayed 3 days ago, on Friday, that God would help me do 3 things for that whole day.  I have to give the credit to Leah for motivating me to fight for holiness in the first place.  She has been battling a bad habit lately...and I seriously mean physically fighting to keep walking in holiness.  Her strength inspired me to FIGHT to overcome these sins.  I will share a couple with you...

The first is my critical attitude.  Coincidentally, Leah also brought this one to the surface for me (iron sharpens iron:).  I have been pretty negative, complainy, and judgmental lately...especially toward her, but also in general just about stupid things that don't matter.  I let personal pet peeves cloud my vision, test my patience, and put me in a bad for no good reason.  So, I promised God that I would not say anything negative to or about anyone for 1 day.  I don't make promises to God lightly, so I figured I could handle it for one day. 

The second was my physical health in general.  You know the whole "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit" thing.  I have failed miserably at this principle my whole life.  Now, especially since I have Diabetes, I have been struggling to stay healthy, eat the right foods, find time to exercise, etc.  So, I also promised God that I would make good choices in this area for 1 day.

The great thing is that it lifted so much pressure off my shoulders to "perform" well.  I surrendered these things to God, layed them at the foot of the cross so to speak.  For that one day I was dependent on God's strength whenever I wanted to veer off course.  I kept in my head that it was just for that day.  I could make it.  It helped me to focus on God more for those specific things too.  Thankfully the first day I wasn't faced with too much temptation.  The second day was a little harder, but I made it.  The third day, today, I faced a more direct temptation, but I just renewed my promise as a prayer in my mind..."God I promised I wouldn't do that today, and I won't".

AMAZING.  God is strengthening me and growing me and changing me.  I feel so much more connected to God throughout the day too.  I feel like we are both on the same side fighting the same enemy.  It seems all it took was that I needed to decide to FIGHT, instead of hoping and wishing my temptations would leave me alone.  And, a battle plan than helped me take things down to smaller steps and manageable expectations.  I kind of feel dumb for not thinking this way before.  So, tomorrow I will have another conversation with God about the same thing, asking for His strength and the Holy Spirit's help to fight that day...and the next.  

I have never felt this close to God...I don't mean that in a superspiritual sense.  I just mean like a real relationship.  Like He is truly a friend in whom I can confide, find encouragement, advice, love, everything else a tangible friend gives, but in a infinitely generous and strong person.  There is NONE like my God.

New Lessons

Ok...one thing that has knocked my socks of lately was my trip to the Creation Museum. I went with some friends from work and some friends from college. The museum was really great and I learned some nerdy Christian stuff. But, more than that it showed me how small I am compared to Him. The AWESOMENESS of His creation, the VASTNESS of the universe, the intricacies of everything he created is mind numbing. The intelligence it takes to orchestrate all of history to the point that we are right now is amazing...yet God exists outside of time. He is the one that "hangs the earth on nothing" and "stretches the heavens out like a curtain"!

My favorite part of the whole day was the planetarium. It was a presentation on the scale of everything in the universe. The whole thing screamed the glory of God. We went on Good Friday too, so I was thinking about the cross a lot that day. It was hard to look at everything that showed us God's majesty and greatness and also think that same God came to earth, suffered and willingly died so that I could share in His glory with Him forever! It was such a humbling and incredible experience. Its strange that a museum could produce that result. But, it really wasn't all the facts and sciencey stuff as much as the realization that although God is perfect, powerful, and holy...he loves me and wants to know me intimately. It shouldn't be possible, that God would reach down to me like that.

Also, I didn't think I was too prideful until I recently read "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. "How can I be so proud to think that I deserve ANYTHING, or that I even own anything. ALL that I have has been given to my by your grace, entrusted to me by You. I waste away time and money all the time, because I have this ridiculous idea that it is mine to spend however I want. Or, that my body is mine to abuse however I feel like (with laziness, unhealthy eating, etc). It is ALL yours Lord. You paid the price for my body. You created everything around me. You own all of it." I wrote in my journal. I have come to the realization that I have absolutely know rights to my life. I have been proud because I think that I understand the world and that I have figured out how to live for God and live for myself at the same time. That I can "have my cake and eat it too".

It doesn't work that way. I am either the master of my own life...leading to worldliness, empty pleasures, and a wasted life. Or, I give EVERYTHING I have to the One who created me, who knows exactly who I am and what I need. I have to give Him not just the steering wheel, but the whole car, the junk in the backseat, everything. I have to close my eyes and stop giving directions and stop grabbing at the steering wheel when I think we went the wrong way. I need to surrender ALL.

I also have to give up the idea that I need to make this huge one time commitment that will last a lifetime. There is a reason Paul said we need to take up our cross "daily". I HAVE to do that. Life is so empty and meaningless when I am far from God. I realize now that its because I was made to worship Him...I can only be whole in His will and under the shower of His love.

I sound so cheesy, I know. In my heart this all makes sense. Sometimes this lessons can't be passed on through words. God just has to work in your heart and rip things out and stir things up for a long time until you just GET it. And, I still think I am so far from understanding God. Even this tiny glimpse of His greatness and His love for me break my heart and make me want to worship and serve Him every second. I think it would kill me to really see the glory of God. So, this is more just praising Him than trying to share truth. But, I hope you can worship along with me.

my vacation

I had a really, really great Spring Break. It was really nice to hang out with my family and especially see my niece. She is SO adorable. I really enjoying spending time with my sister too. We got the chance to talk and spend lots of time together...which we haven't really been able to do since I went to college. I kind of felt like I didn't know her anymore, but I'm glad that our family is getting closer again, now that most of us are grown up (at least when it comes to age:).

As you can probably tell from the picture, Lilly has Down Syndrome. Allina and I got to talk about that a lot too. I learned a lot from her about it and got to see her do all the little physical therapy exercises with Lilly too. Allina is a really good Mommy. Allina talked a lot about how it makes her mad when people assume things about Lilly because of her disability. Like that she will have a poor quality of life or that she won't be able to do things other people can. It just shows that people are afraid of what they don't understand (or don't try to understand). Actually, I believe that Lilly will experience a better quality of life than most "normal" people, because she won't go through life with an expectation that life should be a certain way. You can already tell she is a people person and that she will be very loving. She responds so much more to people than to toys or other things. She just looks at you intently and makes faces and everything. She is a perfect baby...she hardly ever cries or fusses and she sleeps all through the night. I hope Allina doesn't get spoiled with Lilly...I bet her next kids will be much more difficult:)

In case you were wondering, the tube on Lilly's face is a feeding tube. Because she has the hole in her heart she can't breathe very well, so she can't drink from a bottle. So, she has to have a feeding tube. She also has to eat special, high calorie formula so she can gain weight before her heart surgery. They want to wait as long as possible to do the surgery because babies recover better the older they are. The feeding tube is actually kind of nice because you don't have to hold a bottle the whole time, you just hook up the tube and turn on the machine. She's seriously the easiest baby ever...although not the least stressful because she does have health problems and physical therapy and all that.

I also got to see Nathan at the house he's staying at. My Mom cooked dinner and we all went over to visit him. I got to see him with his new girlfriend Mandy, which was great, but kind of weird since I knew her before and they are a completely unexpected couple. I just would have never pictured them together before Nathan started going to church. He is so different now...well in some ways. He's still definitely a guy and he has a way to go until he's really mature.

Gavin is in Gymnastics now. Although the rest of my siblings think its gay, I went with him to watch and it isn't that bad. They don't make the boys wear leotards or anything and it was about half and half boys and girls. They really wear those kids out too. They make them run around for a long time and take turns doing forward rolls and other things. The boys got to practice/learn the parallel bars. The are basically just learning to hold themselves up with their arms...its pretty tough actually.

My parents are doing good and Evan is the same. Nothing too exciting for them. I also got to see my grandparents for a little while which was good because I haven't seen them in a while. Unfortunately I didn't get to go to church at all because my flights were both on Sundays:( Hopefully this summer I will get to see everyone and catch up.

Sorry I don't have anything interesting or insightful. I thought I would just catch you all up on the everyday part of my life too. We'll see if I have anything else to share this week too.

Whirlwind of Twittering, Blogging, Crafting, etc!

Wow...I have never been much for online networking...but, I dove in head first this week. I have signed up for several accounts that will help my Etsy shop get more visits (and hopefully more sales). One of my items was featured in a blog this weekend at "The Simple Life of the Stars".

It looks like the author may even feature me in a separate blog and maybe do an interview!! How crazy is that?! I haven't even started raising money yet...I don't even know where to tell people to send it. So many of my friends have generously asked to be sent a letter so they can support me when more of the details are worked out. Its just amazing how all of this is going. I can't wait to get more things done.

Also, I decided to fast from spending for Lent...until Easter! Of course I gave myself some guidelines so I wouldn't starve or stink (if I run out of shampoo). But, it looks like I will be able to put a HUGE chunk of money in the old savings account for the Czech. It would be AMAZING if I could be totally debt free before I go. Then I could stay forever and ever and not have to worry about student loans. I've basically sold all of my Mary Kay products on eBay, most of my books on Amazon, and I am taking a big stack of old clothes to Plato's Closet to sell. It's kind of nice to get rid of all the stuff I don't need too. Although it was rather painful to say goodbye to ALL of my Sims 2 games:( I'm sure it was shocking for some of you to read that last one...thinking to yourselves "Wow, she is really serious about this Czech thing." I know, right!

Unfortunately, I feel kind of like I'm not doing much to get things started with the planning. I talked to Radek a week ago...a couple weeks ago? about technical detail stuff...visas, budgets, who I would be "affiliated" with so people could send in money, etc. We are all doing this for the first time so it is a little scary. Ok, a lot scary...I really don't want to mess things up, worried about how the economy will affect fundraising, REALLY scared about actually teaching, to name a few. So, I just pray a lot. But, other than that I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing, or if I should be doing something. So, I'm just trying to be smart with my money, learn as much Czech as possible, and brainstorm as many fundraising ideas as possible.

Oh, I also have a doctor's appt in a couple weeks to make sure I don't have some unknown terminal illness that will prevent me from moving to the Czech. I'm a little worried that I might have diabetes or some other nasty thing that runs in our family. I haven't been to the doctor for YEARS, so who knows. I figured I'd better start using my amazing health benefits, because I won't have them forever:)

Something else I started is a Twitter account. Its an online networking account like facebook, but ALL you do is update your status. You "follow" people and see what they are doing. Most people leave interesting links to different sites. I have found several blogs and things. I'm even following Dave Ramsey and Adie Camp (one of my favorite Christian Artists). Its so addictive and sucks my time away though. I have decided to only check it like once a day.

I also joined the INCrowdteam at Etsy. Its just a local "club" of Indiana crafters that have website and forums and share info about selling crafts. I'm learning a lot from it. I really want to learn how to make handbound books. I found some tutorials online, and one lady on Twitter gave me a link to a company that has workshops. I think I am going to look into some local places to see if there are any classes/workshops around here though. I think this kind of knowledge could be useful to have just for life in general. The INCrowd got me thinking about taking my crafts to craft/art shows and festivals. I've been to one highschool craft fair where lots of people had booths where they sold handmade items. It would be so fun to do that. That might be too "big" for me though...I'm not trying to make a huge business out of this. Just make a little extra money while enjoying my new hobby.

Overall, its been an interesting week. I am looking forward to Spring break though...when I can see my family and my home church and just relax for a while. Its going to be interesting since I am on a spending fast though. I won't be able to go out to eat or to the movies or anything:( I'll have to be creative.

Thanks for reading my rambling list of goings on! I appreciate your prayers, especially for my trip to the Czech and that I would stay focused and keep strengthening my walk. It is hard to do when I am surrounded by the world. Also, please pray for my sister and Lillian. They are not doing so good...Allina with finances, and Lily's health. Pray that God's will would be done in all of this.

just a calling

I am planning to move to the Czech next year to teach English and help Laura and Radek with Garaz 572!!! I have been reluctant to say it because I hadn't made a decision and I was worried about it. It still isn't official as I haven't even begun to raise support, gotten a job, a place to live, or a visa...there are so many things to take care of. Radek is looking into a lot of the answers for me because he knows people that have done the things that we will need to do (gotten a visa or made a budget for raising support). We are all in new territory. There is this churning mixture of excitment and anxiety! I don't know how everything is going to come together, especially with our economy like it is, and this suddenly becoming such a real possibility. The hardest part is that most of it isn't in my control...which is good because I don't know what I'm doing, but scary because my future is in other people's hands...God's, Radek and Laura's, and anyone who supports me.

This is a lesson of faith. I have to trust that God will work out HIS plan for me. But, I am surely doing as much as I can to work toward this goal...learning Czech vocab words, brainstorming fund raising ideas (get ready its going to be crazy!), and praying every day that God would prepare me and that I would learn to completely depend on Him. I am also going to take an online class soon to get certified to teach English as a Foreign Language...its not needed to work in the Czech, but it will make me feel more confident/comfortable with teaching.

Thats the part that is the most scary. The reality of teaching English to people without being able to talk to them in their 1st language! Or just teaching anyone! Or being in ministry full-time...like a real job! Its scary because its real.

This job was scary at first too. It was lonely and hard and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. But, I got through the first semester, learned a lot, made some friends, and grew closer to God. I think of this job as a testing ground for me to see if I can make it over there. I am trying as much as I can to view each day with my students as a ministry...and with my co-workers for that matter. Everyone around me needs encouragement or prayer or just kindness...including me. I have to remember that even my attitude is a testimony of Jesus Christ to others. I want to do everything as if I were doing it for God.

The thing is I know that the Czech is going to be a hundred times as difficult, and lonely, and tiring, AND rewarding as this job. I made the commitment not to choose what is easier anymore...but what I know is right and pleasing to God. So, I will not let that stand in my way. But, I do ask that you pray that God would give me strength and wisdom. Pray that He would guide us through this year of planning and fund raising. Pray that He would work in my heart and prepare me for ministry. Pray for Laura and Radek...their family and their ministry and the kids that come. I will keep you posted on whats going on with everything, but right now even I don't have a lot of info. Just a calling.

no excuses

I have found a new hobby and I am really enjoying it. I have been wanting spend my time more constructively and be a good "steward" of it...to insert a little Christianese. So, I started making paper crafts to sell at etsy.com. I was inspired by my friend Lizzy who has a store there too. My goal was just to do it for a fun activity and maybe earn a little extra cash on the side. But, there were many other benefits that I didn't expect. It has distracted me from the TV. Instead of spending my free time sitting around doing nothing I know have a constructive outlet. Since I am not in front of the TV I haven't been snacking as much because I haven't been bored. Leading to an unexpected and very welcome weight loss this week! The biggest benefit is that it is just FUN!

Some other good things that happened this week...

The Winter Dance that I and a coworker planned went really well. I attribute this to nothing but answered prayer. I tried really hard on my end and so did Josh. We put a lot of effort into it and I'm sure it would have been ok if I hadn't prayed. But, it went so freakishly smooth that it had to have been God. I wasn't stressed or rushed at all that weekend. I really believe it was because I asked God specifically for that. That everything would go smooth and that we wouldn't be stressed. Afterwards I thanked God for answering that prayer and was just really happy that He cared so much about something that was important to me, but I wouldn't consider spiritually significant. It is amazing that God even blesses me in these small ways.

The other amazing thing is that I found a round trip airline ticket to Maine for only $162!! I was worried that my flight would cost over 200 as it usually does and I didn't really want to spend that much...it being right after Christmas and everything. Another answered prayer. I usually feel silly asking God for these things...but He always comes through. I mean, I'm not going to pray that I win a million dollars in the lottery or anything. I don't believe in the prosperity gospel. It just gives me warm fuzzies because I know how much God cares about my life, especially because I don't deserve any of the blessings He gives me.

I sometimes wonder why my life is so good. I'm not rich, or famous, or super gorgeous, but I have a way better life than I deserve. God has spared me from many wrong decisions in my lifetime. I don't have any health problems, financial problems, relationship problems. Sometimes I kind of cringe and wait to be slammed with all three at once. But, God is merciful. I think a lot of people are in this life situation though. Just, most people don't pay attention to how good they have it, they just find the smallest insignificant things to complain about.

I watched 30 Days last night for a program. It was the episode where a former pro football player lives in a wheelchair for 30 days. He learns about para/quadrapeligics and what life is like for them. It really made me realize that I have no excuse not to go out and do something big for God. I can WALK! I have absolutely no limitations to what I can accomplish for God's glory. But, stupid things like pride and laziness are the thin little excuses that hold me back from making a difference in this world. Its so ridiculous. People that have disabilities or other limitations usually give back to their communities more than people like me...that have comfortable, unchallenging lives. Why is that?

So, I challenge you. Make a change in your daily routine. Even if its finding a new hobby. Or even volunteering or encouraging someone. Just find some way to make your life impact another person. Show them Christ's love. I am finding that there is more peace than I thought possible in choosing righteousness over my selfishness. I don't need as much money as I thought. I don't need to sleep as much as I thought. I don't need to fix myself first before I help someone else. I just need to get off my couch and trust that God will use me...in whatever way HE chooses.